The Big Question

It's practically October, and I saw my first leaves falling from trees today, so I bit the bullet and asked Gym Teacher if she had an idea of when I would be able to get rid of the cane. She stared at me silently, which used to make me nervous, but which I now know is just her way of thinking out loud. "When you consistently forget it places," she said finally. But I'm consistently making myself remember to take it places, so I'm not sure how that works. Given a choice I would consistently forget it on purpose, all the time, at home. After a bit of discussion she said that the outer hip is not yet strong enough, and the hip extension in the front isn't great enough to allow me not to lurch. It's not a big lurch, but she wants me as close to perfect as possible.

Sometimes I just get tired of being in a body that doesn't work as well as it could/should/would. I know it's all a sliding scale, and I should be grateful that it's not worse, but when I see people bounding around, I come up against what my teacher calls "The Unanswerable Why". And every time I come up against it and really see that there is no answer, if I'm lucky, I find solace in the silence. If not, I just end up whiny and irritable. Working my way out of whiny and irritable as we speak.

Phony Cane

(Which could easily be the name of one of Prince's all-girl bands from the 80s)

I was on a crowded rush hour subway train a few days ago and a man who saw I had a cane got up and offered me his seat. I tried to refuse, telling him I was fine, but he insisted until I accepted. I felt like a big old phony. I can stand up no problem, really. But I'm still finding myself both looking for the person who's going to give me their seat, or mentally justifying why I'm sitting down while the other person, equally deserving of a seat, is standing ("but I have a cane!"). The occasional times when I don't have the cane with me on the train and I sit down, I try to make a facial expression that reads "ordinarily I have a cane which is why I am sitting down and you are still standing" but I'm not sure it comes across.

Meanwhile the jumping Jacks et al really kicked the crap out of my ass. Did I just write that sentence? I guess so. I was pretty sore for a significant amount of time afterwards. Gym teacher is extraordinarily cautious, so I suppose it wasn't beyond my capabilities, but still...

Leapin' Lizards

I was jumping around like a maniac in gym class yesterday. It was the gymmiest gym class I've had in a while - there were jumping Jacks, and side steppy jumps down the line and back, and jump straight up and down which was the hardest, strangely, and the 'pony prance' which I will not demonstrate you just have to use your imagination.

It was not discussed, but I get the feeling that while jumping may be a small step for the hip, it is in fact a giant leap from the cane.

Uh

Recognizing that I haven't posted in over a week, and feeling a little guilty about it, and yet scraping the bottom of the barrel to come up with something relevant.

How about: I can now sleep on my surgery side again! I told Gym Teacher that today and she raised her eyebrow, which is her way of getting excited, and said "That's a huge milestone." Hooray! Huge milestone! Haven't had a huge milestone since the reappearance of my knee after surgery!

Actually, it is truly a gift not to be one-sided anymore. It really sucked, especially since it's the side I like to sleep on.

And: I keep forgetting my cane places, which apparently is also a sign that it's getting ditchable. I left it in the bank last weekend and was well down the street before I had to turn back. One time I walked out after teaching and left it in the gym.

So, good news. I am chugging along. Also apparently I am in the middle of my second 8 week cycle at the end of which great things will happen, as with the first 8 week cycle. Perhaps my life has now been tuned to cycle through 8 weeks at a time?

Old Paradigm, New Hip

My brother was in town visiting this weekend and we were walking around the city after brunch Saturday when he said he had to go back to his old apartment. "It's too far for me to walk," I replied without thinking, and then realized, actually, no it's not. Not any more. It used to be, when the cartilage wasn't lined up and my socket was wearing itself down with each step, but now, pain-free, I can walk miles at a time. It's so liberating and at the same time I have to consciously remind myself that I've been liberated. I'm actually considering going snowboarding in March (don't freak out mom) although I will be calling Dr. Buly for his opinion on whether the metal/bone combo would hold up or if I should actually wait until this whole process is done.

And my skinniest pants fit. Triumph!