Road Runner

Wednesday night it was bitterly cold here again, and as I was leaving the plush enclave of my private student's 5th Avenue apartment I saw my bus pulling up at the end of the block. Thinking only of how cold I would be standing waiting for the next one, I started to run - and only after several steps, like the Road Runner in the cartoon (or any number of times a cartoon character has run off a cliff) did I realize what I was doing. I was actually running pretty well until I caught myself and then the limp came back. Which begs the question, do I limp when I run because of a pre-determined idea in my head that I'm supposed to run that way? If I visualized myself running perfectly, would I be able to do it?

On a separate note, I have a new weird twinge in my outer hip, predominantly when I step up climbing stairs, but sometimes, for the hell of it, just walking along. It's a totally new, odd feeling - almost like something is catching. In my mind, it's a tendon rubbing over the metal. I have no medical proof for this. We'll see what Dr. Buly says on Monday. Full update as well on the whole thing. One cool thing I was thinking about today is that if I get to keep the plate after it's out, I can post a picture of it! (Yeah... ok. Cool only to me, then. And perhaps anyone else who is having/has had an FO).

Fate

A student sent me this article yesterday and it made me feel better. I'm sharing it because even though it's not about hip dysplasia, she's dealing with the same head space. Hopefully you'll get something out of it too.

It's slightly less cold here now so hip's not hurting as much. It seems to flare up below 30 degrees. Good thing spring's coming.

Full Disclosure

I didn't want to write this.

I've received tons of emails and messages from fellow hip women that all say how much they love the positivity and humor in my blog and how much it's helped them get ready for their own surgeries. I felt like admitting anything less than total success would be to let you all down in some way. But then I remembered the very first entry that I wrote, sometime around this time last year, and how I promised that I would tell all, good, bad and ugly.

So what I haven't been saying, what I've been trying to protect you from, is this:

I'm in pain. My hip hurts. Not just the ass spasms, but in the front, along the crease, the way it used to pre-surgery.

It's not constant, and I think it's related to the recent cold weather and having to pound along on the concrete streets of NYC, but it's really depressing me. I can't help but feel like all this was for nothing.

I know that there was always a possibility that this surgery wouldn't be enough. On the other hand, maybe it has been enough, maybe I don't need anything else except to move to a warmer climate (Matt and Marla you may get your LA wish after all). Or maybe I need a PAO as well. I don't know. Maybe the reality is, once dysplasia starts to show up, the available options are just stop-gaps along the road.

I don't like feeling that I don't have an answer. But I have to be honest, and sit here, and tell you that I don't. Maybe you have the answer for me.

Watch This Space

Nothing happening* right now, Gentle Reader, but lo! On the horizon I espy a bald hip doctor advancing on horseback, X-rays in hand, ready to reach into my leg and pull out the alien invader that threatens world domination!!

March 3rd 8am X-rays 9am Dr. Buly. Pre- pre-op meeting. Site of questions such as:

Really, crutches again?
Am I going to be off vegetables again due to my super-human clotting capabilities?
Will people be arriving at 5.30am again to take blood out of my arm? Couldn't they come at a more civilized hour?
Will I decide again that a brownie a day is an appropriate dietary choice for a mostly sedentary being?
Will my mom make toast and tea and bring it to me in bed, again? (He may not have the answer for this one)

All semi-joking aside, I remember experiencing more than one strong urge to rip into my leg and pull out the metal last summer. This urge required a serious talk with myself about the foreign body that was there to help, and how I needed to let it be. I'm still aware of its presence, especially when I lie on that side, but now I'm feeling an odd nostalgic longing that starts in the middle of my chest when I think about having it removed. It's kept me upright for a year now. Can I do it on my own? What happens when the training wheels come off?

*and by nothing happening of course I mean I still get ass spams and run pretty gimpily.